Kind of a rough day

Today wasn't the best day for little Cooper, and if I'm honest it wasn't for me either. Coop's picc line ended up clogging this morning, and they could not fix it. Unfortunately they had to pull the line and place another one, which is a minor but still uncomfortable surgical procedure. After they placed his new line, he was bleeding excessively, and they got worried about his blood counts. They did some labs and he is low in everything, but not to the point of needing more blood transfusions. His bleeding finally stopped and they're just going to keep a close eye on his counts. Because of all the drama around the new picc, our little man also had to be off his feeds for several hours and I think he was not happy about it.

Mat took the morning shift and spent some quality time holding Cooper while he was wrapped in the bili blanket. By the time I got there in the afternoon, Coop was ornery and fussy and he let everyone know it. He just wanted out of the bili blanket and was kicking and screaming and squirming. I tried to comfort him by talking to him and singing to him, but he wasn't having it. He was crying, I was crying...it wasn't a fun scene.

It's crushing to be a new mom, having all these tools at your disposal to comfort and satisfy your baby, and not being able to use them. What if he's crying because his belly is empty? My body is working overtime to produce food for him, yet I can't give him any. What if he's crying because he wants to be properly held and snuggled? My arms are yearning to hold him, my skin longs to be pressed against his, but again...nope. I know it's temporary, but hearing him crying and knowing that I can't provide the basic needs for him is just heart-shattering.

In terms of his condition today, we have what seems like a little more direction. 

#1 - His gut looks to be healing well, and they are starting a 7 day countdown until they can try to start feeding him. As long as he doesn't have any new blood in his diapers or concerning x-rays, he may be on track for that. I can't wait!

#2 - Although the LP was inconclusive, the team today seems pretty convinced that he did/does have meningitis and will be treating him for 14 days with antibiotics for that.

#3 - Bilirubin numbers are trending upwards but still not critical yet. If they do get to a critical level, we may have to consider more drastic therapies. Fingers crossed that we don't get there.

#4 - They're keeping an eye on blood counts. We did actually consent to a Phase II trial involving studying newborns' reactions to receiving blood products warmed to body temperature rather than coming straight from the fridge. It was interesting to be on the other side of the consenting process for a change!

Today was hard, but I have to believe things are gonna get better. My expectations of what the first few weeks of his life would look like were obviously turned upside down and stomped on and lit on fire for good measure. I obviously imagined a lot of time at home, learning to be a new little family. Instead, Mat and I are now going to be spending hardly any time together as we split shifts at the hospital. We created life together, and we don't really get much chance to experience and process that as a couple. But we have a strong enough relationship and I know we can deal with this together, even if we have to be apart. And it breaks my heart to think about how my mom came to meet her first grandchild and now that he's here she doesn't get the chance to see him at all, despite being in the same city. I'll just have to hit pause on all these expectations and hopefully in a few weeks we'll be able to bring him home and do some proper family bonding!

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